Photographic Negatives

Argh! What was he thinking? How could Simon possibly imagine that I would be happy with him plonking a picture of me (albeit with Big Cat as the purported subject) bang, smack at the top of the home page, in the Latest Photos. I think a Little Word may be in order.

And while we’re at it, let me share with you the surreal conversation we had yesterday evening, prior to going round to Mike and Sue’s for a delicious dinner.

Me: (surveying my limited wardrobe, and realising that everything I usually wear is either covered in cat hair or plastered with mud) Hmmm….what shall I wear? Simon? Simon?
Simon: (eventually dragging his attention away from his computer to look at me) Uh?
Me: I was wondering what to wear. Have you got any ideas? Is there anything you’d like to see me wearing.
Simon: (with an expression not unlike that of a rabbit caught in the headlights of a rapidly approaching juggernaut) Um……
Me: Oh, come on. There must be something you like.
Simon: Um…..what about that blue top?
Me: Blue top?
Simon: Yeh…the one I’ve seen you wearing recently.
Me: Blue top? I haven’t got a blue top. Do you mean grey?
Simon: No, definitely blue.
Me: (baffled) Well, what sort of top is it? Long sleeves? Short sleeves? Do you mean this? (holding up a vaguely bluish-grey sweatshirt).
Simon: (shrugging). I don’t know. It’s blue. It’s got writing on it.
Me: (even more baffled) I haven’t got a blue top with writing on it. Are you thinking of someone else?
Simon: No, I’ve seen you in it recently. It’s nice. It’s blue. With writing on it.
Me: (struggling to get my head round this) The only top I can think of with writing on is this one (holding up a grey long-sleeved T-shirt with one black word on the front).
Simon: No – that’s not blue is it? That’s grey. Not that one.
Me: Well, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Simon: (turning back to his computer, where he is opening a photo gallery that seems to be all pictures of me, taken over the last ten years – which is just a little bit creepy) But I’ve seen you in it, recently.

At this point I give up, and grab the first clean, half-decent top I can find in my drawer. It is creamy-coloured with blue writing on it. Near enough, I think. Simon calls to me from where he is clicking through the million and one photos he has taken of me over the years, usually contrary to my explicit instructions.

Simon: See… you have lots of blue tops… there’s one…. there’s another one.
Me: But that was ten years ago. And they are flimsy little vest tops. I only wear things like that when it’s really hot.
Simon: (triumphant) There! That’s the one I meant. Blue. With writing on it. (He is pointing to a picture taken over a year ago, in which I am wearing a very thin, sleeveless vest top.
Me: I haven’t worn that for ages. And anyway, it’s nowhere near warm enough to wear that now.
Simon: No, I guess you’ll be wanting a jumper like me. I’m just saying… I was right.
Me: Hmmm. More than a year ago is hardly recent, is it? Come on. We should be going.

The only explanation I can come up with for Simon’s assertion that he has seen me wearing that top recently is that he loves me so much he looks at photos of me whenever I am not in the room. I am a very lucky girl.