Puppy Dharma

So just what exactly is the best way to raise a happy, well-behaved dog?
Having watched other people interact in different ways with their canines, read a number of mildly entertaining puppy-training books, watched seemingly endless repeat episodes of The Dog Whisperer on TV (always wondering why I find that short, opinionated, but oh-so-calm/assertive guy so appealing), and read (with interest and scorn, in equal measure) lots and lots of stuff on that Evil Promulgator of Evidence-light Nonsense otherwise known as The Internet (including the views of The Original Dog Whisperer and The Real Dog Whisperer, ha ha) I have, as always, come to the irritating conclusion that there is no such thing as the Best Way.

Given that I’ve been searching for answers to such questions as ‘What is the Meaning of Life?’, and ‘What is My Purpose on This Planet?’ for nigh on half a century, and have been watching in bemused amazement as all of those incontrovertible Things I Learnt at School have been thoroughly controverted, kicked in the ass, and superseded by shiny new knowledge from the Latest Collection of simply Must-Have Facts about the World , you might think I would have realised by now that THERE ARE NO RIGHT ANSWERS.

And just in case I wasn’t really listening when I shouted that, I will repeat it in my recently-developed calm/assertive manner. There really are No Right Answers.

My better half will no doubt dispute this statement. Hah! Many’s the interesting after-dinner debate we’ve had about the possibility of the objective existence of such mental constructs as Absolute Zero, Time, Reality and such like. (We are, neither of us, given to Small Talk). But, being an educated woman, and thus blessed with an innately well-developed Right Side of my brain, as well as a culturally developed, and pretty high-functioning Left Side, I, of course, know better.

And, deep down, in my heart of hearts, I do sort of know that a right answer is nowhere to be found. But, cursed with a Seeker’s mind, I can’t help but keep looking – just in case. Just in case someone, somewhere might somehow, against all the odds, have stumbled on the key to how this weird Universe of ours works, and, in passing, might also have discovered the truest of true facts about any of the Little Things I would like to know. Like, specifically, how to stop puppies doing all those puppy-like things that, bizarrely, seem to come quite naturally to them.

Maybe there are no Right Answers because I keep asking the Wrong Questions. Perhaps, instead of wondering how to stop puppies behaving like puppies, I should be wondering how best I can adapt to their puppiness which is, after all, a Very Natural Thing that obviously has its place in the whole scheme of doggy development.

I have therefore concluded (for the time being at least) to give up this pointless fight against Nature, and to stop trying to control the wayward puppies, but instead to find ways to help them to learn a little more quickly. And to Wish Really Hard for their behaviour to improve, safe in the knowledge that Wishes Come True, and puppies do not stay puppies forever.